(psycho)analyzing statistical analysis of dating websites: fantasizing fantasies of fantasies

Social networking is a fascinating topic worthy of deep investigation. The advent of web 2.0 - which, by definition, requires poly-directional user interaction - has opened sophisticated, new, and unpredictable methods of communication. Countless internet forums attract hundreds of thousands of users which share specific interests, hobbies, goals, jobs, and (of course) ideologies. Hundreds of millions of blogs have created an intricately interwoven blogosphere of independent, (largely) uncensored journalists, writers, artists, political activists, and - lest we forget - computer geeks.

Dating websites are some of the most powerful, intimate applications of online user-to-user interaction. While one may initially embarrassed to admit participation, the results are undeniable. There is a very high chance that you know somebody who is happily married to a partner they met through an online dating service.

For a social and computer scientist, these sites stand as spectacular mountains waiting to be (data) mined. OkCupid.com has launched a blog publishing results of their research. Those working for Humor Rainbow - those who manage OkCupid.com - are very clever to offer most of their services free. This allows them to (statistically) analyze the ensuing data. Other dating sites charge money, meaning they have far fewer users. Their latest article, "The Big Lies People Tell in Online Dating" documents the latest (and, perhaps some of the first) studies of the ways fantastic structures define electronic interpersonal relations:

"12% of women under 35 on OkCupid (and the internet in general, I'd wager) self-
identify as bi. However, as you can see above, only about 1 in 4 of those women is actually into both guys and girls at the same time. I know this will come as a big letdown to the straight male browsing population: three-fourths of your fantasies are, in fact, fantasies of a fantasy."

This passage exemplifies several foundational Lacanian concepts:

• First, we see the desire of the (m)other displayed as the desire of a partner. Things here, however, are not as simple as they may initially appear. Remember, for Lacan, desire for the other is not as simple as "I want somebody," or even, "I want this particular somebody for this particular reason." Desire, rather, is the desire to be desired by the other.
• This brings us to the second concept, that of the phallus. The desirer, standing as s/he who desires to be the object of desire of the other, is attempting to be the phallus of the other. It is important to distinguish the term "phallus" from the male biological organ penis. Although the male child's inheritance of the penis affects the mechanics of the resolution of the Oedipus complex, females relates to the imaginary phallus in an equally powerful - although, arguably, fundamentally different - way. This is due to a triangular structure present within the Oedipal drama - that of the child, the mother, and the object of the mother's desire (see No Subject's entry on the phallus).
• The third, inevitable concept, then, is that of fantasy. Due to the law-of-the-father, the body of the mother is forbidden. This is to say that there is no way to satisfy the mother. Now, this is not due so much to an overwhelming authority from the father who might jealously prevent the child from pleasing the mother so much as it is an unsolvable problem stemming from the mother herself - that the mother simply cannot be satisfied. Ask any child, or any father, if there is a way to permanently pacify the mother!

  The child responds to this conundrum by continuously inventing new ways to please the mother. Such attempts to attain the motherly body Lacan terms "fantasies." It is important to note the necessary partner of these fantasies - the permanent postponement of attainment of the phallic object (an action which I am tempted to call "erection"). This is because, should the phallus be obtained by the child, then rejected by the mother, there would be serious psychological consequences for the child. (See Russel Grigg's excellent chapter "From the Mechanism of Psychosis to the Universal Condition of the Symptom: On Foreclosure" in Key Concepts of Lacanian Psychoanalysis).

• Indeed, the very goal of analysis is to make this structure known to the patient; to move them through subjective destitution; to make them aware of the impossibility of both attaining the phallus and satisfying the mother. This is the ethical act of traversing the fantasy. (See The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry on Jaques Lacan).

In this particular passage from the OkCupid.com blog, we can see how the common claim of bisexuality by females on the site is actually used to attract males. In Lacanian terminology, in her desire of a male partner, a female posing as bisexual attempts to become the phallus of the male (m)other on the dating site, thereby participating in his fantasy of simultaneous sex with multiple bisexual women. The trick, then, is that - thanks to modern data mining techniques, web 2.0, and tens of thousands of horny users - we can discern statistics showing that only one out of four women who claim to be bisexual on the site are "really" bisexual.

Therefore, we must conclude that Rudder's claim that three out of four male fantasies "are fantasies of a fantasy" is inadequate: The Oedipal drama guarantees that all relationships are fantasies of a fantasy. This is why Lacan argues that there is no sexual relationship: The real of our relations with others - especially sexual partners - is so caught up in fantasy that any assumption of substantive meaning to them is laughable. This real is yet another Lacanian term, most succinctly explained as that which resists symbolization. In this context, the real is confronted through the impossibility of a perfect, ideal relationship. Our interactions with others are always mediated through symbolic gestures - specific, otherwise meaningless gestures from which the value of a relationship is derived (for example, purchasing a wedding ring, avoiding fighting, kissing, and so on). Relationships can only function within the symbolic realm through the mechanism of fantasies: The real necessitates a barrier which is impossible to reconcile (one can always easily find reasons why a partner is insufficient).

Another angle on this concept can be taken. Lacan's concept of jouissance forbids eternal pleasure since, at its root, pleasure is a mechanism of the death drive: Both Freud and Lacan recognize that - although death is inexplicable - death is sort of the "final resting place," the only possibility of true satisfaction (or sustained pleasure). As conscious beings, pleasure is actually a drive for an alleviation of all burdens. Of course, this is not possible from the psychoanalytic perspective.

This is not to say that love is not a valid experience. On the contrary, Lacan explains love as a particular kind of psychological necessity; a desire which mandates the involvement of an other in its circulation. The Oedipal drama (again) articulates the paradox of desire, since desires - like both the desire for and desire of the mother - cannot be satisfied. In contrast, needs such as food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. may be met. Lacan has no doubt we can get what we need. However, he also has no doubt that we can never have what we want.

Despite such remarkable results, dating websites are but a pathetic beginning of analysis of online social life. Sites such as Facebook make incredible amounts of money selling information about the behavior of their users. It would be interesting to analyze the remarkable trend of social pornography sites in which users create all available content by submitting their own photos, videos, leaving comments, and so on.

Psychoanalyzing Statistical Analysis of Dating Websites: Fantasizing Fantasies of Fantasies by Sheldon Paul Kreger is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://sheldonkreger.com/home/contact.